


Union Blues

by MiniNephthys



Category: Fate/stay night (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-09
Updated: 2011-07-09
Packaged: 2017-10-21 05:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniNephthys/pseuds/MiniNephthys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Characters complain about not getting H-scenes.  July 2008.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Union Blues

“This meeting of the Fate/Stay Night Characters Without Sex Scenes’ Union is now in session,” Issei announced. “Before we begin… Assassin, I believe it’s your turn to explain to Ilya why she and Berserker aren’t allowed to join?”

The Assassin-class Servant gracefully disappeared.

“Thank you,” Issei called after him. “Now then. Does anyone have anything new to report?”

“Unlimited Codes came out,” Bazette noted. “No sex scenes, obviously, but some of us get more of the spotlight than usual.”

Archer, Lancer, Caster, Kotomine and Gilgamesh smirked.

Shinji scowled and changed the subject. “And the manga is coming out, which features me-”

“-getting your ass kicked by Lancer, we know.”

Shinji glared at Archer. “Getting further than _any_ of you have gotten!”

“No fighting in the union room,” Issei said calmly. “And the…” He sighed. “The... _Shirou/Rin scene_ … will undoubtedly be replaced by that thing with the fish.”

“They could imply the sex,” Kuzuki mused. “That is not uncommon-”

“ _Thing with the fish_ ,” Issei hissed. Kuzuki stopped talking. “Does anyone have anything new to say, or should we skip to the part where we think of new ways to threaten Nasu?”

Ayako raised her hand.

“Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking,” she said, “and it looks like the main problem with us getting sex scenes is that Shirou is the narrator. I mean, he’s never going to sleep with any of you men-”

Archer and Lancer shuddered, Shinji twitched, Gilgamesh and Kuzuki just looked bored, and Issei sighed quietly.

“-sleeping with Taiga would just be weird-”

Taiga nodded vigorously from her pit of age-related despair.

“-and Caster’s engaged to someone else.”

“We have point of view shifts,” Archer pointed out.

“I had one of those, and I _never_ had a scene with Souichirou,” Caster sighed.

“That was in a flashback, it doesn’t count. Besides, you were dying.”

“So?”

“Mitsuzuri has a good point,” Issei interrupted. “Besides, Emiya, quite honestly, is a terrible narrator of sex scenes.”

The other characters nodded their agreement.

“That ‘mollusk’ bit was terrible,” Bazette said.

“We have fangirls who narrate better than that,” Archer said.

“…” leered Zoken. The rest ignored him.

Issei paused. “Then the question is: how do we convince Nasu to make a game without Shirou as the narrator, and give us some sex scenes?”

“Personally, I like violence,” Lancer suggested.

“We can’t hurt him.”

“Sure we can. Video game designers don’t have combat skills-”

“No, I mean we’re fictional characters, we can’t hurt him,” Issei repeated. Lancer sighed.

At that moment, Gilgamesh stood up. “You mongrels are all pathetic,” he announced dramatically. “You whine and groan about not getting laid instead of _doing_ something about it. _I_ , on the other hand, am going to find Saber and make her mine.”

He strode briskly out of the meeting room. The others stared after him.

“…does he know that nothing in this fic is canon?” Issei asked at last.

“It doesn’t look like it,” Archer replied.

“Saber’s going to beat him to a pulp, isn’t she?”

“Obviously.”


End file.
